


In Which Darcy Regains Babysitting Privileges (Or That Time Tony Taught Fury How to Swim)

by weird_situation



Series: In Which Loki's Shenanigans Give Fury a Headache [3]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/F, Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash, also naked superheroes will be present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 19:07:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/422183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint, Tony, and Darcy are left to babysit deaged Avengers, agents of SHIELD, and a supervillain. Nothing could possibly go wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Darcy Regains Babysitting Privileges (Or That Time Tony Taught Fury How to Swim)

**Author's Note:**

> Eh. Not completely satisfied with this, but if I tinker around with it too much longer it'll never get posted.

The first thing Clint noticed when he entered the room was that Maria Hill looked frazzled. It wasn’t a look he’d seen on her before, so he interrupted Tony’s obnoxious greeting and asked what they were called to the helicarrier for.  
  
“There’s been a...situation, and the rest of your team has been compromised, along with Director Fury and Agent Coulson. And someone who appears to be Loki.”  
  
“Appears to be Loki?” Tony frowned. “How can you not be sure whether it’s him or not? Was it magic? I hate magic, don’t you hate magic?” Tony turned to Clint, awaiting his response.  
  
“Yes, Tony, I hate magic,” Clint said in a monotone voice. Hill rolled her eyes and used the intercom to call for Darcy.  
  
“I’m going to assign Miss Lewis to help the pair of you watch your team.”  
  
“Wait, how have they been compromised?” Clint asked, suspicion coloring his voice.  
  
“Well, it appears they’ve been turned into children. They’re currently asleep in a quarantine chamber, but there’s nothing to suggest the transformation is contagious.”  
  
Tony and Clint both gaped at her. That was not what Clint was expecting at all.  
  
Why on earth did she think they were going to be good babysitters?  
  
*  
  
“He has two eyes! Why does he have two eyes?” Tony yelled at Clint, freaked out at the sight of Nick Fury with two eyes.  
  
Clint was more concerned with the fact that Fury was now a child, but he tended to focus on the big picture. Unlike Tony. Clearly.  
  
“Where am I?” And apparently Loki was awake. Fuck.  
  
“Is that Loki? I am not taking responsibility for that devil child,” Tony said, looking over the others. They were still asleep, so they had time to come up with a plan.  
  
“Where is my father?” Loki’s voice rose over Tony’s and Clint grimaced.  
  
“Hey. I’m Clint, and this is Tony. Your dad asked us to watch you and your brother for a little while. See Thor over there sleeping?” Clint pointed at Thor and watched Loki’s face light up.  
  
“Still a devil child,” Tony muttered as Loki ran over to wake Thor up. “Doesn’t matter how adorable he is. Devil. Child.”  
  
Clint ignored Tony as he watched the newly de-aged Avengers start to wake up.  
  
“Oh my god. Look at Steve. He’s so tiny!” Darcy cooed at the sight of Steve as a scrawny little kid.  
  
“Where am I?” asked Bruce, lip trembling.  
  
“Tony!” hissed Clint. “Will he still Hulk out?” He eyed Bruce warily, trying to figure out what to say to calm him down.  
  
“I don’t think so? Steve reverted back to his actual childhood body as far as I can tell, so one would assume the rest of them did as well. Not to mention the fact that Fury has two eyes. You know, just in case you forgot that.”   
  
“Right. Good to know. Hey Bruce. It’s gonna be okay. I’m Clint and I’m here to take care of you.”  
  
“Where’s my mom?” Bruce asked, lower lip trembling and eyes filling with tears.  
  
“She had to go on trip, but we’re going to look out for you and you can play with everyone else. See?” Clint gestured to the other deaged people in the room and Bruce looked around shyly. Bruce smiled when Natasha came over and grabbed his hand, dragging him over to a corner where they began whispering rapidly. If Clint were to guess what they were up to, he’d say they were planning a revolt. He wondered if he should be more worried about that.  
  
Natasha had taken everything in stride, or appeared to anyway. She watched the adults in the room warily, while keeping an eye out for Bruce, whom she’d decided to keep.  
  
No one noticed Phil sneaking out of his bed and creeping up behind Clint. The shriek that came out of Clint’s mouth when Phil jumped on his back and started pulling his hair, demanding to know where his mother was alerted everyone in the room to the fact that Phil Coulson, no matter what age, was still a motherfucking ninja.  
  
Tony started laughing so hard he was choking on his spit and Darcy just rolled her eyes and went over to pluck Phil off Clint’s back. She placed him on her hip and stared into his eyes until he looked away.  
  
“Your mom asked us to look out for you while she went to take care of some business. We’ll take good care of you, alright?”  
  
Phil nodded shyly and gave Darcy a small smile. Clint and Tony just looked at Darcy with flabbergasted expressions on their faces, in utter disbelief of her child wrangling skills. Darcy caught their expressions and grinned.  
  
“Coulson taught me a few things about babysitting.”  
  
“Coulson is my name!” Phil piped up. Darcy laughed and ruffled his hair.  
  
“Indeed it is. Someone very close to you taught me how to deal with children, even though the children he deals with are really superheroes.” She lowered her voice to a mock whisper. “He says superheroes are really nothing more than overgrown kids most of the time and the secret to keeping them in line is cookies.”  
  
Phil giggled at her and wriggled out of her arms, rushing over to the other kids as soon as he was free.  
  
“Did you seriously just out-Coulson Coulson?” Tony was in awe.  
  
“He’s a kid. Not that hard to deal with after looking after you bozos all the time.”  
  
“I resent that.” Pouting, Tony crossed his arms.  
  
“I know you do, honey.” Darcy patted his cheek.  
  
“Wait.” Clint held up a hand. “All those times Coulson gave us cookies he was really what? Conditioning us?”  
  
“Positive reinforcement, babe.” Darcy smirked and went over to where Steve was starting to freak out. “Hey there, Steve, my name is Darcy. I’m going to be watching you for a little bit.”  
  
Steve looked at her with suspicious eyes, but after a moment of consideration, he let her lead him over to the other kids.  
  
“Now, I think it’s time for some introductions.” Darcy named all of the deaged Avengers, agents, and supervillain before leaving them to their own devices. She went back over to Tony and Clint, and burst out laughing when she saw that little Fury had latched onto Tony’s leg and was refusing to let go.  
  
“No, you want to go with the other kids. You definitely don’t want to stay with me. I’m old and...and mean! Yes, I’m very mean and you don’t want to be around a mean old man, do you?” Tony was freaking out, especially when Fury tightened his grip at Tony’s words. “Help!” He turned pleading eyes on Darcy, ignoring Clint who was wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.  
  
“Hey Nick. Can I call you Nick?” Darcy asked. Fury nodded, his grasp on Tony’s leg not loosening at all. “Do you want to go meet the other kids?”  
  
Fury shook his head. Shrugging, Darcy stood up.  
  
“Looks like you’ve got yourself a new buddy.”  
  
Tony’s look of utter horror caused Clint to burst out laughing again, and Darcy sighed. Some superheroes they were.  
  
“Look. Let’s just get them over to Stark Tower so they have something to entertain them.”  
  
Tony managed to shake his disbelief over Fury’s sudden attachment to him to worry about his building.  
  
“No. I refuse. I will not have that devil child - “ here he gestured to Loki who looked nothing like the devil as he conjured up a bunny for the children to pet “ - running around my home. He’s already destroyed it once.”  
  
“Tough shit, mister, we’ve already arranged transportation,” Darcy said.  
  
Fury’s eyes widened at her language. “You used a bad word!”  
  
The three adults looked down at the mini-Fury with disbelief.  
  
“He’s right, you know,” Clint said. “You shouldn’t use such foul language around children.” He grinned as Darcy punched him in the arm.  
  
“It’s going to be a long day, isn’t it?” Darcy said.  
  
“You’re optimistic if you think this is only going to last a day.” Tony delighted in the look of dread that crossed Darcy’s face.  
  
*  
  
“No! Tony stop! You can’t just give kids coffee. They’ll explode or something,” Darcy yelled. Thankfully she managed to stop Tony before he gave the kids anything. “They get juice or some shit.”  
  
“Oooooh, you said a bad word!” Fury yelled. He hadn’t gotten over his habit of freaking out everytime someone, usually Darcy, said a curse word.  
  
“You know, I like kid Fury way better than pirate Fury,” Tony said.  
  
“I get to be a pirate?” Fury’s eyes widened in wonder and he tugged on Tony’s hand. “Can I wear an eyepatch?”  
  
Tony choked on his coffee, some of it dribbling down his chin. Rolling her eyes, Darcy grabbed a napkin and shoved it in Tony’s hand.  
  
“Yeah, you definitely can wear an eyepatch,” Tony said to a bouncing Fury as he wiped the coffee from his chin.  
  
Apparently tired of being ignored, Thor wandered over and tugged on Darcy’s hand.  
  
“Lady Darcy, I would very much like to have another poptart.”  
  
“Even as a kid you’re addicted. Alright big guy, let’s go find you some.” Darcy wrapped her hand around Thor’s and led him to the walk-in pantry. “Shall we go on an adventure?”  
  
Thor nodded excitedly. “But not without my brother. Loki! Where are you?”   
  
Loki’s head popped in from the living room. “Yes?”  
  
“We’re going on a quest to find the poptarts! Come, join us.”  
  
“I’d rather continue to practice the game called ‘bowling’ on the Wii device. Can you not go on this quest alone?”  
  
Thor pouted, but nodded at Loki. Darcy ruffled his hair and watched as Loki scampered back to the group in the living room.  
  
*  
  
“I’m going to kill him,” Tony said. “Probably slowly, hopefully it’s painful. Why would he think turning everyone into children was a good idea?”  
  
“I think it’s hilarious,” Clint said, smirking at Tony.  
  
“That would be because you don’t have NIck Fury hanging all over you, drooling on your shirt!” hissed Tony, trying not to wake up Fury, who was in fact sleeping in Tony’s arms. “You get to cuddle with Natasha and Bruce. They’re alright. Less leaky.”  
  
Clint saluted Tony from his seat on the couch, Natasha and Bruce curled around each other in his lap. Steve and Phil laid on either side of him, heads on the armrests.  
  
Darcy had taken Thor and Loki to the kitchen to eat. It seemed Norse gods didn’t require much sleep, even as children. But they required fuck tons of food (Darcy’s words).  
  
Fury had latched onto Tony for some unknown reason. It mortified Tony, amused the hell out of Clint, and Darcy cooed at them every time she saw Fury in Tony’s arms. She had a ridiculous amount of photographic evidence of their cuddles. JARVIS delighted in assisting her.  
  
“Are our companions awake yet?” asked Thor as he and Loki entered the living room, Darcy following with a tray of snacks and drinks.  
  
“Not yet, kiddo,” said Clint, shifting the sleeping kids in his lap to grab the grape juice Darcy offered him.  
  
“I am Thor, not this ‘kiddo’ that you speak of.” Thor’s face scrunched in confusion at the nickname. Tony wanted to pinch his cheeks. It was a feeling he’d grown familiar with over the past few hours. He didn’t like it. At all.  
  
“It’s a term of endearment. It means Clint is fond of you,” Darcy explained, handing Loki a cookie. He’d found he liked the cookies with chocolate, but the ones with the fruit called “raisins” were not pleasant and should be avoided at all costs, though this was difficult to do, as the chocolate and the raisins looked similar at times. Loki was intensely opposed to this deception and complained loudly to Darcy whenever it happened. Tony agreed with the mini-trickster, but made sure not to say that out loud. He knew Loki was a devil child. Even if he was ridiculously well behaved and polite. Tony wasn’t going to fall for his wily ways.  
  
Thor nodded at Darcy’s explanation and gave a regal nod to Clint.  
  
“May we wake the others?” asked Loki, chocolate smeared on his lips.  
  
Supervillain,  Tony reminded himself as he found himself wanting to aww over how precious Loki was. All these gooey feelings were going to give him hives, he just knew it.  
  
“Why don’t we watch cartoons for a little bit before waking them up?” Darcy suggested, already turning the tv on.  
  
“What are cartoons?” asked Thor through a mouthful of cookies. He didn’t mind the raisin ones.  
  
“You’ll love them.” Darcy flipped to Scooby Doo and started explaining who the characters were to a fascinated Thor and Loki.  
  
During the fourth episode, Phil and Bruce had woken up and were happily munching on cookies while explaining Scrappy Doo to an entranced Loki. Thor was yelling at the screen in an attempt to aid Velma in finding her glasses.  
  
Shifting Natasha so she was curled on the couch instead of his lap, Clint stretched and grinned as he took the cookie Phil offered him.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“You’re welcome. Can we pleeease wake them up now?”   
  
Tony had promised to take the kids to the pool after everyone was awake. Darcy had gone to find swimsuits, and returned just as Phil asked his question. She held up the shopping bags and nodded.  
  
“Go for it. But be nice about it!”  
  
Phil nodded as he bounced over to Steve, and proceeded to stare at the other boy until he started to stir. Then Phil started poking him.  
  
Clint smothered a laugh as he gently shook Natasha awake. She woke quickly and had to be reminded where she was and who they were before she went with Darcy to get changed.  
  
Thor, Loki, and Bruce had taken it upon themselves to wake up Fury and Tony, who’d fallen asleep in an armchair. On Thor’s signal, they began throwing pillows at the pair, and Clint had to bite his lip to keep from laughing as Tony startled awake, shouting “assemble!” and holding out his arm as though he was going to shoot the offending pillows with a repulsor. Clint couldn’t hold in the laugh when Bruce threw a pillow that hit Tony square in the face.  
  
Fury had launched himself into the pillow fight with a vengeance, defending his favorite adult with fervor.   
  
Clint whistled loudly to get everyone’s attention.  
  
“It’s time to put on swimsuits so we can go swimming.”  
  
There was a moment when Clint thought he was going to die as six little boys rushed towards him. Fortunately, they stopped short of slamming into him, clamoring for their suits.  
  
Clint began distributing the swimsuits, laughing at Darcy’s choices. It was pretty clear which suits were meant for which kids.  
  
Steve and Phil both had Captain America swim trunks. Phil was taken aback when Steve asked who Captain America was and began telling Steve everything about his hero almost too fast to understand. Clint was worried about the fact he hadn’t heard Phil take a breath yet.  
  
Tony grinned when he saw the Iron Man suit Darcy had picked out for Fury. He was going to kiss Darcy for this.   
  
Bruce was pleased with his plain purple trunks. Thankfully Darcy hadn’t gotten Thor swim trunks with his face on them; Tony didn’t want to explain why Thor had a pair with his face and Loki didn’t. Thor had bright red trunks, and Loki had green ones.  
  
The Norse gods turned children seemed baffled at the garments, but put them on at Clint’s urging. They spoke to each other about “strange Migardian customs,” but seeing as they weren’t running around naked, Clint counted it as a win.  
  
Darcy returned holding Natasha’s hand. They were both wearing plain black one piece suits.   
  
Tossing a pair of trunks at Clint’s head, Darcy told him to go get changed. He laughed when he saw they were Hawkeye themed; he didn’t even know they made them, especially in adult sizes. But now he had the urge to go find every item of Hawkeye related clothing and wear it. It seemed narcissistic, but one learned the value of narcissism when living with Tony Stark. Even Steve had worn one of the shirts with his shield on the front (admittedly that was because Tony had stolen all of his other shirts and replaced them with various Captain America themed ones. But still.).  
  
Clint returned to see Tony wearing a speedo with the American flag on it and stopped dead in his tracks, stifling the urge to point and giggle like a child.  
  
“Darcy is never going to let your crush on Steve go, is she?” Clint asked, hiding his smile behind a hand.  
  
Tony shrugged. “At least my ass looks good in it.”  
  
*  
  
Eventually they trooped down to the pool, everybody holding hands at Darcy’s insistence (no she didn’t want to see Fury and Tony holding hands and get pictures for blackmail purposes, why on earth would someone think that?). Clint rolled his eyes, but gamely took Natasha and Bruce’s hands, smiling at Phil and Steve who were holding hands between Loki and Thor. Darcy grabbed ahold of Loki’s hand and led the way to the pool.  
  
Everyone was in awe of the pool, except for Tony. It had a waterfall and a grotto, and the pool itself was huge.   
  
Thor pulled his hand from Phil’s and tensed up, ready to run and jump in, but Clint noticed and dropped the hands he was holding to scoop him up.  
  
“No running, we don’t want you to slip and fall, alright?”   
  
Thor nodded and squirmed in Clint’s arms until he was put down. He started walking, quickly, to the edge of the pool.  
  
“And stay in the shallow end!” yelled Tony, trying to pull his hand from Fury’s and nudge him to the pool with the other kids. Fury just tightened his grip and Tony sighed before kneeling down to look into his eyes. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“I don’t know how to swim.” Fury chewed on his bottom lip.  
  
“Well today is a good day to learn, I’m sure Tony would love to teach you,” Darcy said as she led Bruce and Natasha to the pool.  
  
Resisting the urge to flip her off, Tony nodded at Fury’s hopeful expression.  
  
“Let’s go.”  
  
It was relaxing, for the most part, to see everyone have fun (even Tony, though he’d deny he was having fun teaching Fury how to swim), and Clint was content as he surveyed the pool from his lounge chair. Phil, Steve, Thor, and Loki were playing a game that looked like tag, but with foam noodles being used to hit each other. Natasha and Bruce had decided they were going to help Tony teach Fury how to swim, and Darcy was sneaking around, dunking Tony whenever the opportunity presented itself.  
  
They should have known better than to think they could have an afternoon of frolicking.  
  
With a loud boom, the children in the pool reverted back to their adult forms. There was chaos as everyone tried to adjust to their newly returned adult bodies. Fury yelled for someone to grab Loki.  
  
Loki took one look at where he was and disappeared. Thor frowned at the space where he used to be before going to exit the pool.  
  
That’s when everyone realized that the swimsuits they’d worn as children were torn to pieces and floating around the pool lazily.  
  
Thor ignored his nudity and went over to Clint.  
  
“Thank you for taking care of my brother, even though he is your enemy.”  
  
“I take it you remember everything that happened?” Clint asked, not sure how to feel about that. Especially if Fury remembered his attachment to Tony. That would make debriefings awkward.  
  
“Aye. You were wonderful guardians, all of you.” Thor turned to include Darcy and Tony in that statement as well, before wandering out of the pool area, presumably to reminisce about his brother’s better days.  
  
Clint looked at the people who remained in the pool and had to turn his laugh into a cough. Darcy and Natasha were talking about something, Natasha unconcerned with her nudity (Darcy was more concerned with Natasha’s nudity and was having trouble keeping her eyes above chest level. Natasha didn’t mind.).   
  
Phil and Fury appeared to be talking about what effect this would have on operations, and Clint had to roll his eyes at the pair. Always working.  
  
Bruce was talking with Tony excitedly about the change, and possible ways to recreate the effect with science. Clint felt he should put a stop to that at some point in the future. Knowing that pair, something would explode and they’d be sent back to the cretaceous period. Clint was fairly certain he didn’t want to meet any dinosaurs (except for pterodactyls. Clint liked them.).  
  
Steve was just very carefully not looking at the water and trying to figure out how to get over to the towels and cover himself without anyone seeing his lower half. Clint realized the problem and was about to get up to go toss him a towel, when Tony took it upon himself to do the same.   
  
Except Tony had forgotten about the speedo Darcy had picked out for him. Natasha and Bruce were snickering quietly, while Phil and Fury ignored everything.   
  
Steve turned bright red when he saw the flag on Tony’s ass and started to sink under the water to avoid everyone’s smirks. Something brushed his face and he opened his eyes to see a piece of someone’s swim trunks floating by. He also saw penises. He most definitely had not anticipated that. Choking, Steve surfaced and somehow his face had gotten even more red.   
  
Fury looked unimpressed at this, and Coulson had a light flush on his cheeks (it was awkward when your childhood hero saw your dick. So very awkward.). Bruce just shrugged, it wasn’t like Steve hadn’t seen his junk before (it had taken three missions before SHIELD had come up with fabric that could A) withstand hulking out and B) shrink when the Hulk turned back to Bruce.).   
  
Steve had never been more glad to be hit in the face with a towel in his life. Making his way to the edge of the pool, Steve wrapped the towel around his waist before hopping out and making his way to the door.  
  
He wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings, so he ran right into Thor, who had returned and was still naked while holding a handful of cookies. They both looked at the ground where the cookies had fallen and crumbled.  
  
“I’m so sorry, I’ll get you some more cookies, I promise,” Steve said, very carefully focusing on Thor’s face.  
  
“It is of little consequence.” Thor dismissed Steve’s apology and slung an arm over his shoulder. “We shall get more, together, at a later time.”   
  
Steve could only nod as Thor steered him back over to the others.  
  
“So.” Tony clapped his hands together. “That was fun.”  
  
Fury glared at him, which was infinitely more intimidating now that he had one eye and no eyepatch on. Not caring about his nude state, Fury left the pool and snapped at Tony to get him a phone.  
  
Soon after Fury had contacted Hill, he and Coulson were leaving Stark Tower and returning to the helicarrier, leaving the Avengers and Darcy on their own in the living room that still bore the evidence of their temporary regression back to childhood.  
  
Darcy broke the awkward silence that had fallen over the group.  
  
“Who wants cookies?”


End file.
